Alzheimer can evoke a great apprehension and sadness.
It was completely unknown for me before it hit me, before my grandmother was diagnosed. I’m feeling completely forlorn today, today is one of those days I feel incredibly alone and any attempt of building a state of happiness is a failure.
This disease, disorder or whatever is nowadays a subject of enormous concern all over the world. In any developed nation, this problem has now become the greatest of problems. It isn’t something that you can’t really avoid. There’s not way to stop it or a cure. It isn’t something you can spend a few millions on and solve it. It’s greater than that. There’s basically nothing you can do, nothing anyone can do.
You’re destined to experience the insidious loss of your most human qualities.
Memory, abstraction, language, reasoning…these are just of the things that will change, and never in a good way. It’s a tragedy, not only for the people you know, but specially for you. This disease devastates
your live and your family. It’s incredibly painful to see any beloved relative, (in my case, my grandmother) slowly become a person who you never though they would be, someone you can hardly recognize.
I miss my grandmother, the one I remember, the one who taught me how to read, how to write, how to count to 1000 and how to play monopoly, my favorite game. That person I remember is now gone, she now has become a completely different person, she doesn’t know how to play monopoly anymore, she barely writes and read and of course, she just counts to 10, with some luck. She doesn’t know who I am either, if she sees me she simply smiles, but not because she can recall my name or remember my face, she just does that because she sees me smiling.
Sometimes I wonder what remains when you are forgetting everything, but I guess there’s nothing left.
Even though a few years ago I tried to fool myself by thinking she still could remember me because her ideas were somewhat more hidden, but were there, in the ash and remnants of her thought. Maybe they were, but I’m sure they aren’t now. Now I just try my best to remember what she was like.
I’ve come to the conclusion that when you lose yourself, everyone loses you by extension.
I needed to write, otherwise these thoughts keep collecting in my brain.