Typewriter font and a large list of thoughts.

The latest months I’ve been living in this outrageous place called Madrid. This strange place keeps me running in circles without a clear idea of where I want to get. All my thoughts have turned into ashes, and I can’t find a way to make them burn once again. My mind spins around one more time. All this seems like a parlor trick, and I still feel as if I could crack the code, when I know I don’t.

I don’t have a great story to tell, I can only write and pretend that all I know is worth spreading, everyone knows that any idea is pointless if you don’t tell anyone about it, but how telling someone about anything you’ve think of makes it a great idea?

I don’t think that’s the point. I think there are a lot of ideas that none but you will ever know about that once, were worth thinking.

Also, whether you want to share it or not, the key is thinking, keeping yourself busy, proving little facts in your mind and exploring and questioning everything.

By itspaulamartin Posted in English

Quite unannounced.

Little train of thought.

Wound up with the wind.

The distance is gone.

 

My old age deletes your youth.

Some ideas are intangible.

And turns out there’s no truth.

 

Learning to set our world free.

Remembering to forget.

Death is our only real guarantee.

By itspaulamartin Posted in English

The ash and remnants of her thought.

 

Alzheimer can evoke a great apprehension and sadness.

It was completely unknown for me before it hit me, before my grandmother was diagnosed. I’m feeling completely forlorn today, today is one of those days I feel incredibly alone and any attempt of building a state of happiness is a failure.

This disease, disorder or  whatever is nowadays a subject of enormous concern all over the world. In any developed nation, this problem has now become the greatest of problems. It isn’t something that you can’t really avoid. There’s not way to stop it or a cure. It isn’t something you can spend a few millions on and solve it. It’s greater than that. There’s basically nothing you can do, nothing anyone can do.

You’re destined to experience the insidious loss of your most human qualities.

Memory, abstraction, language, reasoning…these are just of the things that will change, and never in a good way. It’s a tragedy, not only for the people you know, but specially for you. This disease devastates
your live and your family. It’s incredibly painful to see any beloved relative, (in my case, my grandmother) slowly become a person who you never though they would be, someone you can hardly recognize.

I miss my grandmother, the one I remember, the one who taught me how to read, how to write, how to count to 1000 and how to play monopoly, my favorite game. That person I remember is now gone, she now has become a completely different person, she doesn’t know how to play monopoly anymore, she barely writes and read and of course, she just counts to 10, with some luck. She doesn’t know who I am either, if she sees me she simply smiles, but not because she can recall my name or remember my face, she just does that because she sees me smiling.

Sometimes I wonder what remains when you are forgetting everything, but I guess there’s nothing left.

Even though a few years ago I tried to fool myself by thinking she still could remember me because her ideas were somewhat more hidden, but were there, in the ash and remnants of her thought. Maybe they were, but I’m sure they aren’t now. Now I just try my best to remember what she was like.

 

I’ve come to the conclusion that when you lose yourself, everyone loses you by extension.

 

 

I needed to write, otherwise these thoughts keep collecting in my brain.

Mother, do you think they’ll drop the bomb?

I love this song by Pink Floyd.
It’s been a while since I last listened to one of their albums but a few days ago I found myself playing this song over and over again.
I like the guitar solo in the beginning and the lyrics are just fantastic.

But anyway…

I know it’s been a while but since I last wrote, but I’m on the tram, I have 20 mins left here and I’m extremely bored, I forgot my headphones.

I don’t know if I should keep on writing here or not. I’m not sure if anybody ever reads anything I publish or on the contrary, not.
But I somehow understand that, my writing is awful and it’s only getting worse and worse…

And, I’m not going to lie, my aim for writing on a blog is being softened by all my coming and going, even though I’ve been doing this since the day I was born.

Now, I suppose, you’ll be wondering what it’s next.

I’m not going to make any promise that will end up broken. I’ve already had my share of those. I’ll write whenever I feel the urge to, not because I have to publish my daily/weekly post and most importantly, I’ll write because I have something interesting to write about, because otherwise I feel just like a robot typing random words in order to form a whole meaningful sentence, but always failing.

By itspaulamartin Posted in English

2014 already.

If I had a guitar, I would play.

If I had some paper and a pen, I would write.

If I had a phone, I would talk.

But right now I’m all alone, hunched over my laptop letting my fingers type.

I’m not really sure what I should write, but I’m not going to make my new year’s resolutions like I did last year, I’m going to keep those to myself.

I can’t believe it’s 2014 already, I remember celebrating the 2000′s, and I can’t believe 14 years have passed. I was really young and I wanted to be a princess, or a singer, or anything that seemed interesting to me at that age.

Today, when everyone asks me what I want to do in the future, I wonder what would be the best answer. I keep thinking about it. Education on my mind, like a heavy crown, but I’ve always thought education isn’t as important as a lot of people think. I’ve met a lot of people from all over the world, some of them highly educated, and they aren’t the kind of people you would teach your children to be, and on the other hand, I’ve met a lot of people who never took an exam and they are wonderful. So, at this point, I think education is important but isn’t everything.

I’ve read some articles these days. The new-year-happiness kind of articles. They wish everyone luck, wealth, health and love, but there are some articles that worry me much more. John and Yoko wrote ”Happy Xmas (War is over)” a few years ago. I wasn’t even born, but it’s my favorite christmas song, the other day I was with Jorge and I finally could listen to it in a shop before 2013 was over, I love it. But, that song has nothing to do with today’s world. We keep fighting. I would like you to think about every country that comes to your mind, it doesn’t matter if it’s Syria, Egypt, Afghanistan, Irak, Pakistan, Israel, think about the millions of people who live there, how these conflicts are changing their lives forever and their children’s live, how every other country is building weapons of mass destruction, ”just in case”, how thousand of journalist are kidnapped each year in war zones and how mostly every video game is war related. I know I can’t write down, let’s stop war, but if I you really want me to write a new year’s resolution, it would probably be war related too.

Missing New York, one more time.

I miss New York so bad this afternoon.

It’s been foggy this week, this type of fog isn’t that different from the one in my mind. Sometimes it’s really foggy in our heads. When we want to focus but we can’t because we are too overcrowded with other thoughts. I’ve been balancing this thoughts in my head, but there’s always some that seem to be heavier.

I sometimes feel this way. I must find a cure for this, but I can’t, so I just let it pass away. It’s over now, I can see it everything from a different point of view, and it’s clearly better.

I know what I want, and this is really strange, I really do. I want to be with certain people, want to see certain places and read about certain things.

I  want to visit New York again.

Alone.

New York always makes you feel small, and I love that feeling. My name means small in Latin, maybe that’s why. There are so many things New York makes me feel, it makes me feel like I’m flying, in love, or growing up, I rarely feel this, and it’s a great feeling, I assure you.