The ash and remnants of her thought.

 

Alzheimer can evoke a great apprehension and sadness.

It was completely unknown for me before it hit me, before my grandmother was diagnosed. I’m feeling completely forlorn today, today is one of those days I feel incredibly alone and any attempt of building a state of happiness is a failure.

This disease, disorder or  whatever is nowadays a subject of enormous concern all over the world. In any developed nation, this problem has now become the greatest of problems. It isn’t something that you can’t really avoid. There’s not way to stop it or a cure. It isn’t something you can spend a few millions on and solve it. It’s greater than that. There’s basically nothing you can do, nothing anyone can do.

You’re destined to experience the insidious loss of your most human qualities.

Memory, abstraction, language, reasoning…these are just of the things that will change, and never in a good way. It’s a tragedy, not only for the people you know, but specially for you. This disease devastates
your live and your family. It’s incredibly painful to see any beloved relative, (in my case, my grandmother) slowly become a person who you never though they would be, someone you can hardly recognize.

I miss my grandmother, the one I remember, the one who taught me how to read, how to write, how to count to 1000 and how to play monopoly, my favorite game. That person I remember is now gone, she now has become a completely different person, she doesn’t know how to play monopoly anymore, she barely writes and read and of course, she just counts to 10, with some luck. She doesn’t know who I am either, if she sees me she simply smiles, but not because she can recall my name or remember my face, she just does that because she sees me smiling.

Sometimes I wonder what remains when you are forgetting everything, but I guess there’s nothing left.

Even though a few years ago I tried to fool myself by thinking she still could remember me because her ideas were somewhat more hidden, but were there, in the ash and remnants of her thought. Maybe they were, but I’m sure they aren’t now. Now I just try my best to remember what she was like.

 

I’ve come to the conclusion that when you lose yourself, everyone loses you by extension.

 

 

I needed to write, otherwise these thoughts keep collecting in my brain.

Mother, do you think they’ll drop the bomb?

I love this song by Pink Floyd.
It’s been a while since I last listened to one of their albums but a few days ago I found myself playing this song over and over again.
I like the guitar solo in the beginning and the lyrics are just fantastic.

But anyway…

I know it’s been a while but since I last wrote, but I’m on the tram, I have 20 mins left here and I’m extremely bored, I forgot my headphones.

I don’t know if I should keep on writing here or not. I’m not sure if anybody ever reads anything I publish or on the contrary, not.
But I somehow understand that, my writing is awful and it’s only getting worse and worse…

And, I’m not going to lie, my aim for writing on a blog is being softened by all my coming and going, even though I’ve been doing this since the day I was born.

Now, I suppose, you’ll be wondering what it’s next.

I’m not going to make any promise that will end up broken. I’ve already had my share of those. I’ll write whenever I feel the urge to, not because I have to publish my daily/weekly post and most importantly, I’ll write because I have something interesting to write about, because otherwise I feel just like a robot typing random words in order to form a whole meaningful sentence, but always failing.

By itspaulamartin Posted in English

2014 already.

If I had a guitar, I would play.

If I had some paper and a pen, I would write.

If I had a phone, I would talk.

But right now I’m all alone, hunched over my laptop letting my fingers type.

I’m not really sure what I should write, but I’m not going to make my new year’s resolutions like I did last year, I’m going to keep those to myself.

I can’t believe it’s 2014 already, I remember celebrating the 2000′s, and I can’t believe 14 years have passed. I was really young and I wanted to be a princess, or a singer, or anything that seemed interesting to me at that age.

Today, when everyone asks me what I want to do in the future, I wonder what would be the best answer. I keep thinking about it. Education on my mind, like a heavy crown, but I’ve always thought education isn’t as important as a lot of people think. I’ve met a lot of people from all over the world, some of them highly educated, and they aren’t the kind of people you would teach your children to be, and on the other hand, I’ve met a lot of people who never took an exam and they are wonderful. So, at this point, I think education is important but isn’t everything.

I’ve read some articles these days. The new-year-happiness kind of articles. They wish everyone luck, wealth, health and love, but there are some articles that worry me much more. John and Yoko wrote ”Happy Xmas (War is over)” a few years ago. I wasn’t even born, but it’s my favorite christmas song, the other day I was with Jorge and I finally could listen to it in a shop before 2013 was over, I love it. But, that song has nothing to do with today’s world. We keep fighting. I would like you to think about every country that comes to your mind, it doesn’t matter if it’s Syria, Egypt, Afghanistan, Irak, Pakistan, Israel, think about the millions of people who live there, how these conflicts are changing their lives forever and their children’s live, how every other country is building weapons of mass destruction, ”just in case”, how thousand of journalist are kidnapped each year in war zones and how mostly every video game is war related. I know I can’t write down, let’s stop war, but if I you really want me to write a new year’s resolution, it would probably be war related too.

Missing New York, one more time.

I miss New York so bad this afternoon.

It’s been foggy this week, this type of fog isn’t that different from the one in my mind. Sometimes it’s really foggy in our heads. When we want to focus but we can’t because we are too overcrowded with other thoughts. I’ve been balancing this thoughts in my head, but there’s always some that seem to be heavier.

I sometimes feel this way. I must find a cure for this, but I can’t, so I just let it pass away. It’s over now, I can see it everything from a different point of view, and it’s clearly better.

I know what I want, and this is really strange, I really do. I want to be with certain people, want to see certain places and read about certain things.

I  want to visit New York again.

Alone.

New York always makes you feel small, and I love that feeling. My name means small in Latin, maybe that’s why. There are so many things New York makes me feel, it makes me feel like I’m flying, in love, or growing up, I rarely feel this, and it’s a great feeling, I assure you.

Are you happy or pretend to be?

Oh well, I know this is something too big to start with but anyway, I don’t know how many months it’s been since I last wrote a post in this blog and I’m sorry about that, I’m not sorry for not writing because I didn’t feel like to, but because I know some people read me on a regular basis and they’ve been coming and going to see that I wrote nothing. I’m sorry for making you lose your time somehow.

 

Anyway, as you can see, I’m back. I don’t know how long it will take me to disappear again, but I hope I’m strong enough to keep me from doing so.

 

 

What’s new? Let’s see…

I’ve opened a new window to see what was my latest post and too see if I can remember what I’ve done after that…

June 18… well, that’s a long time ago I’m just going to name a few things that I did this summer and what I’m hoping to do before this year ends.

On June 26 or so I went to Germany with my best friends, me and my friends have 2 friends who were living there for a year and we decided to visit them this summer, it was really great, I don’t have much to say about that, I really liked it, and we are playing to do something together this summer again.

On july I went backpacking through Europe, I started in Milano, Italy and ended in Oslo, Norway so you can guess it was a very long adventure, who did I go with? Someone that I hope to have much more adventures with, Jorge.

On August I went to Chicago and I was there until September, it was really great there, an old friend of mine came from Wisconsin to visit me and it was really great seeing him again.

On September I started my classes again, my senior year, last year of high school, next year I’ll be in another city, with different people and probably I’ll be worried about much different things, but that’s how it works, but I’m still hoping I’m still this happy.

Liverpool, well, that’s where someone I love is living at the moment, he moved there just today and he’s planning to stay for a couple of months so I’ll visit him this December. Also, my mother is now working up in the mountains and I can only see her during the weekends when I go there or when she comes here, nowadays I’m living with my father, I’m a bit more free now but it’s sometimes scary.

 

 

I can really say I’m happy with everything around me, except for a few things like politics, some doubts I have and some mundane things that aren’t really that important.

That’s the question I would like to ask you today, are you happy or are you just pretending you are? It’s not that easy to find a right answer but I think it’s something worth thinking about it.

The song is over, the sky is clear, I swear there’s nowhere I’d rather be.

Tonight it feels like  we’re on our own, even though we know we are not alone.

We are surrounded by too much noise, I can feel how slowly we’re losing control.

You, with your broken heart, waiting to be fixed up.

You, with your big smile, that could always make me cry.

You, with your unreal fears, no, you  won’t”sleep tonight.

You, with your great opinions, were the best none could have.

Clapping hands

Clapping hands

Fired lighters

Little voices mimic you

You seem drained, almost dying

You did the best you could

Are you aware of what to do?

Just keep the distance

Start living faster

This is what you always wanted

Watch your back

Say your prayer

Promise yourself to

Never get back to the old days

It’s a great show

They love the choir

But you just can’t sing anymore